Baby

Parenting Advice That Can Only Make You Laugh. Or Cry. Or Both.

From the moment I informed people I was pregnant, I began getting all sorts of unsolicited advice. Some I took to heart. Some I tried to remember.

And some I tried so hard not to laugh at.

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You need to sanitize everything the baby could touch.

OH OKAY! No problem. Now that my baby is crawling and touching everything in sight I’ll just attach a bottle of sanitizer to her wrist and teach her how to use it.

You should really have your baby avoid screens.

Easy peasy! We live in a day in age where there are never screens anywhere. Maybe I could just have her wear a blindfold and raise her as a blind child.

Babies need to teethe so you should let her chew on whatever feels good.

True. I should let her keep chewing on her wooden crib that’s starting to split into little slivers of wood, or better yet the dog’s furry tail. He just loves being gnawed on by a small child.

She should be wearing bows so people know she’s a girl.

You’re so right! She absolutely loves wearing those on her head and never pulls them off or screams when I put them on her, so I will make sure she wears them 24/7 even when she sleeps.

Make sure she avoids all sugar until she is around (insert age here).

Uhhuh, we haven’t already broken that rule or anything.

You really shouldn’t drink alcohol around the baby.

Good call! My infant is pretty amazing as determining the difference between me drinking a glass of wine and drinking water.

You should listen to children’s music in the car instead of your music.

Right! I forgot that I don’t matter anymore, and my life has to completely revolve around her.

You should breast feed until she’s at least (insert age here). DO NOT use formula until after that.

Gotcha, and then when I stop producing enough milk I’ll just let her starve to death. It’s fine.

Don’t have her around your dog too much. You don’t want her to think all dogs are friendly.

Um. What?

You should put her in at least a little pink every day.

You are a woman aren’t you? Could you show me the little bit of pink that you are wearing today please?

Well with my child (insert any other wonderful piece of advice here) which is why you should do it with yours.

GOOD POINT! I forgot literally all children in the world are the same so they should be raised in the exact same way.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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Please everyone, share more of your infinite wisdom with me.

Britta

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